One of my favourite quotes is: "You are in fact imperfect, but you are worthy of love and belonging."
The need for love and belonging goes hand in hand with forgiveness. Forgiveness is a big word with an even bigger meaning. In order to let go of my troubled past, I need to forgive myself. I have prayed to God and asked him to forgive me, and I hope he has.
In counselling and therapy, I have been told many times that in order for others to forgive me for my past misdeeds and bad behaviour, I need to forgive myself first. I need to embrace forgiveness in order to bring some peace into my life, and some closure from the past. It's easier said than done, believe me. There is still a lot of hurt inside of me, and a lot of painful memories from the past when I used to abuse alcohol and drugs, and it still haunts me to this day.
When I was in the AA Program, one of the twelve steps we were required to follow was to make amends to people from our past who we had wronged in some way. And I did try to make amends to the one person who I had wronged and hurt the most. I sent a text message over the phone, and also a written letter by mail. I apologized and asked for forgiveness. I was too afraid to do it in person. And,...I got no reply or response back. I tried again a few times over the last year and a half, and,...nothing. I wasn't really surprised, but at the same time, I was disappointed. Maybe someday she will find it in her heart to forgive me. Or maybe not. Who knows? Maybe God knows. But I sure don't. I have no way of knowing.
I guess I do have to accept the fact that, no matter what I do or say, no matter how long I've been clean and sober now, there are people out there who might never forgive me, or accept my amends. It does hurt, and makes me sad, but it is what it is. At least I tried.
I think I have forgiven myself for the most part, but it will always be an ongoing process. So now, I'm just trying to move on, try and make new connections in the community, maybe meet new people and make new friends. And most importantly, I hope to find some inner peace.